BitterSweet Kisses

_{How simple life could be if only you allowed it...... to be.} Do all that you can be ^{and be all the you can do!} _{I'm doing this for myself and i hope it will be understood.}  i should be driving! 


CEE YAH

everyone is so worried all the time.

i want you to be here with me
help

I LOVE STEPHEN BEAUMONT!!!!!!!!

He hates me as much as he loves me. I don't blame him. I don't feel "good" anymore, kind of how i used to be. More annoyed with myself than anyone/thing else. First time I had to take a Midrin in a little over a month... maybe my migraines are from stress. or maybe it's just the fact that i can't stand myself. I've messed everything up. i always manage to do that somehow. I lose control and everything just plumets to the ground. The one person who makes me that happy and all i do is give him pain. but I try, I really do. I'm lost in myself. I don't know what to do and no one can understand this completely. Everything is just getting worse. I have self control, I can make this better. I can't suffocate myself in hate and hurt. I can be stronger and make this work. I won't give up, I promised him and I am promising myself. My head is determined to keep him and make him nothing but happy.

i just hope it's not too late.

Well my birthday is in less than two days.

Life is so hard, people make things so difficult for other people.

I'm excited for things that i'm not even sure will happen. but i have hope, which is something that i've never really had before. This person is really chinging my life and i didn't even realize it. Mom says he makes me much calmer, and less stressed. i haven't had a BAD migraine in about 2 months. i've been sleeping better. i feel better about myself, and i'm not as consious about myself or what other people might say. i feel better in general. i feel.. good. I'm prepared for the down falls. i'm not worried, i'm determined. He is my best friend.

Well, it's a new year which means basically nothing. nooothhing goes right... i'm not just being negative. life's good, sure, but i can't answer a single question for myself. everything is so weird, people are handing me oppertunities and instead of taking advantage of them i put on a fake smile and say "no thank you". i'm always saying things are taking so fucking long, life is just dragging on. i'm so wound tight, i'm sick of being fucking "mom" no one asked me to be, no one really expects me to be. i'm the one that always shakes the finger i'm the one that gets the pissy look on her face when you talk about something "bad" i'm the "fun spoiler" i hate that. what a fucking uptight bitch. i remember a time when i said fuck everything let's have fun but now it's as if i'm sucked into that reality true life respectful stage and it isn't fare. i don't want to be so mature , i don't want to make "wise" decisions all of the time. i'm not saying i want to rebel or anything. i'm just sick of being the cranky party pooper. goddamnit.

hope you all have a wonderful year ahead of ya

i am in a good mood right now, to be alone for a couple of days is nice. freedom at last. i feel good, i feel pretty, which i haven't felt in a while, and i feel like for once i don't have to care about ANYTHING. i want to be taken out, somewhere nice. i want to feel important even if it's for just one night. let me add i fucking hate school, i'm not worried about it right now i just thought i should put it out there. so anyways, i should go do something. i love my sister and i love my mom and i Love my boy and that is pleanty love for me to have. i like Frank Zappa, for some reason i think it'd be pretty cool to meet him. i like odd people. SO goodbye for now, and lets hope this real me doesn't leave again because i like me.. hense the oddness. uuhhhhhhmm

bye

so, i am happy. i think i'm slowly dieing inside. it hurts. i love too much, i'm not living fast enough, and i probably will die young. it's always concluded the same way. what do you do when someone brings something up so much and every time they do it makes you feel shittier, and you know you probably diserve it, but have no way of fixing it or making it any better? how do you deal with that? no one can advise me on what to do because there is nothing that could be done, it just is...was. it haunts him, so he pushes it on me because i am the one that caused it. how do i explain, how do i prove that this isn't bogus and my mind is made up. how long will it take to get that trust back that means soo much... or will i ever get it back at all?