BitterSweet Kisses

i'm sick of waiting for summer!!!

Thu, 30 Mar 2006 01:14:39 GMT

_{How simple life could be if only you allowed it...... to be.} Do all that you can be ^{and be all the you can do!} _{I'm doing this for myself and i hope it will be understood.}i should be driving!

CEE YAH

oh no!

Thu, 23 Mar 2006 00:07:50 GMT

~~everyone~~ is so worried all the time.

missing

Sun, 26 Feb 2006 21:58:23 GMT

i want you to be here with me
~~help~~

i'm getting a little better at whistling!

Sun, 19 Feb 2006 21:12:17 GMT

I LOVE STEPHEN BEAUMONT!!!!!!!!

Thu, 16 Feb 2006 21:57:51 GMT

Happy 18 to my friend AMANDA!!!!

happy birthday caitlin!

Mon, 13 Feb 2006 21:52:15 GMT

so my journal hasn't been working for a while now and my friends page only has the last 2 recent entries which kind of angers me but i'll manage to get by. things have been good. i can't say i have the right to complain, so i won't. from a scale of 1 to 10 everything is about a 7, which is pretty good considering. and seven is a pretty high number, if you can only go to ten. I think i might go do things now.
"What a beautiful wedding, what a beautiful wedding" says the bridesmade to a waiter "and yes but what a shame, what a shame the poor groom's bride is a whore"

if ya think that a kiss is all in the lips c'mon ya got it all wrong babe

Mon, 23 Jan 2006 00:57:30 GMT

well today is a new day i have a little more confidence in life, i think, so that sounds like a good thing, right. ,,,, . ,,,, um finals... finals that i am going to fail. the one final i accually knew i would do good on and i probably did really shitty because i thought i was going to die that day and i sneezed all of the snot out of my nose onto my sleeve and it was gross and i was miserable. the final that could make or break my grade in histroy will NO DOUBT dig me a grave. i better not have to take fucking history again! i am truely happy, i am. i'm not being sarcastic. i'm just confused, but not normal confused moreee like i just don't know what's going to happen next. i'm just hoping for the best.

i'm so sorry

Sat, 21 Jan 2006 05:15:45 GMT

i never understood how alone i was in this until now. today january 20th is the first time i have accually cried since only he himself remembers when. i don't know what got to me, i guess it was everything all at once.
i wanted to call you back so badly.
i'm afraid
it will never be okay
i will never be forgiven
i'm afraid that this will go on forever and the only one to blame for that is me
what do i do? how do i fix this?

if only things could work themselves out

Sun, 15 Jan 2006 17:42:36 GMT

He hates me as much as he loves me. I don't blame him. I don't feel "good" anymore, kind of how i used to be. More annoyed with myself than anyone/thing else. First time I had to take a Midrin in a little over a month... maybe my migraines are from stress. or maybe it's just the fact that i can't stand myself. I've messed everything up. i always manage to do that somehow. I lose control and everything just plumets to the ground. The one person who makes me that happy and all i do is give him pain. but I try, I really do. I'm lost in myself. I don't know what to do and no one can understand this completely. Everything is just getting worse. I have self control, I can make this better. I can't suffocate myself in hate and hurt. I can be stronger and make this work. I won't give up, I promised him and I am promising myself. My head is determined to keep him and make him nothing but happy.

i just hope it's not too late.

i need to open my eyes a bit more

Mon, 09 Jan 2006 23:05:24 GMT

Well my birthday is in less than two days.

Life is so hard, people make things so difficult for other people.

I'm excited for things that i'm not even sure will happen. but i have hope, which is something that i've never really had before. This person is really chinging my life and i didn't even realize it. Mom says he makes me much calmer, and less stressed. i haven't had a BAD migraine in about 2 months. i've been sleeping better. i feel better about myself, and i'm not as consious about myself or what other people might say. i feel better in general. i feel.. good. I'm prepared for the down falls. i'm not worried, i'm determined. He is my best friend.

Happy New Year!!!

Sun, 01 Jan 2006 06:16:56 GMT

Well, it's a new year which means basically nothing. nooothhing goes right... i'm not just being negative. life's good, sure, but i can't answer a single question for myself. everything is so weird, people are handing me oppertunities and instead of taking advantage of them i put on a fake smile and say "no thank you". i'm always saying things are taking so fucking long, life is just dragging on. i'm so wound tight, i'm sick of being fucking "mom" no one asked me to be, no one really expects me to be. i'm the one that always shakes the finger i'm the one that gets the pissy look on her face when you talk about something "bad" i'm the "fun spoiler" i hate that. what a fucking uptight bitch. i remember a time when i said fuck everything let's have fun but now it's as if i'm sucked into that reality true life respectful stage and it isn't fare. i don't want to be so mature , i don't want to make "wise" decisions all of the time. i'm not saying i want to rebel or anything. i'm just sick of being the cranky party pooper. goddamnit.

hope you all have a wonderful year ahead of ya

Happy holidays

Sun, 25 Dec 2005 15:24:31 GMT

Merry Christmahannukwanza!!!

birthdayssss

Fri, 16 Dec 2005 20:57:15 GMT

Happy Birthday Lydia!!!

it's been a long lonely time - led zeppelin

Fri, 09 Dec 2005 23:15:38 GMT

i am in a good mood right now, to be alone for a couple of days is nice. freedom at last. i feel good, i feel pretty, which i haven't felt in a while, and i feel like for once i don't have to care about ANYTHING. i want to be taken out, somewhere nice. i want to feel important even if it's for just one night. let me add i fucking hate school, i'm not worried about it right now i just thought i should put it out there. so anyways, i should go do something. i love my sister and i love my mom and i Love my boy and that is pleanty love for me to have. i like Frank Zappa, for some reason i think it'd be pretty cool to meet him. i like odd people. SO goodbye for now, and lets hope this real me doesn't leave again because i like me.. hense the oddness. uuhhhhhhmm

bye

your wieghing me down

Wed, 07 Dec 2005 01:48:33 GMT

so basically annoyed with life PEOPLE and thoughts/feelings in general i just feel hate. i feel sick and i want to be mean and i don't feel bad about it and i'm trying not to care i want to express how much i hate you. i want you to feel what i feel and think what i think and hear what i'm hearing, i want you to realize why i feel this way about you without having to explain it. i can't stand the thought of you yet it never goes away and everyday you haunt me. i just wish i could say "i fucking hate you" and then delete you out of my life. people are assholes, they try to be funny but they are just complete dicks and people laugh, others encourage shittyness all the goddamn time. i'm just pissed off, i'm CONSTANTLY pissed off i'm agitated and melissa the whole being honest thng and just being truthful i thought about that a lot, and i know i sound like i'm always blunt and honest with people but not when it matters so i decided that's my new goal and i'm probably going to sound like a bitch about it but i just don't care anymore.
although this reads as if it's directed to one particular person it is really about quite a few people who are exactly the same in so many ways.

excuse me while my head and it's thoughts make me throw up my heart

Sat, 03 Dec 2005 23:54:54 GMT

it's such a shitty feeling, to have everyone against you, to be lied to by what you think are friends, and to be untrusted by that one person you care about the most, it hurts to be denied and avoided and pushed aside. i just want things to be normal for once. what am i doing wrong, i feel like i'm always the only one trying ever and it doesn't make sense to me why i don't just give it up. i always say "things will get better, it's just a shitty time right now" but shit never gets better, it gets ignored for a while, but nothing ever changes. i feel so lifeless, so unwanted i feel like i don't belong around these people. like i'm clueless and i'm suposed to know what to do next, but instead i sit here and wait for someone to tell me, i'm lost and confused and people just look down at me like i'm a fucking idiot instead of trying to help. god, i'm so sick of people in general. i just wish they would all leave me alone or just shut the fuck up. sometimes i wish I would shut the fuck up. jesus i'm even annoyed with myself.

i may be totally wrong but i'ma dancin foool

Wed, 16 Nov 2005 21:04:39 GMT

you are disgusting, the things you say the way you say them, you make me cringe. i hate you.

everyone is so goddamn annoying

i just want to give up already i'm tired and i feel like i'm the only one trying, you don't help ever.

~goodbye

satan can walk for miles in an ice storm but god can't even light a match.

Sun, 13 Nov 2005 22:40:41 GMT

i'm in the mood to make something, be creative and artistic, but i don't want to draw,i have nothing to draw. i want to make something with my hands, something cool and fun. if any one has any ideas for me let me know. - so things have been good, i got my hair cut and i'm lovin it. my report card was awesome, for me any way. and i'm generally happy. it's just everything is going so slow, life is taking too long. it's like i'm ready but i have to wait for everyone else to be. i want out. anyway, i'm kind of upset, i want to see jar head soo bad, but whenever i go to see it some thing prevents that from happening. oh well, i was thinking earlier, how i always knew about things before a lot of people, or at least i always had an interest in things before others did. and i realized that most of the things were introduced to me by my sister. i just thought it was kinda cool that i got a chance to enjoy things before people made them annoying. ok i'm going to find something to do with myself. homework would be an acceptional choice but i am lazy and just don't care.

my butt is numb from the way i am sitting

Wed, 02 Nov 2005 00:09:23 GMT

today was shitty. nothing went right, it started last night. Halloween, found out something that made me want to hurt something innocent. this morning i get a call which basically was to inform me that i had to ride the bus (thumb way down) pull myself out of bed with the heaviest migraine and worst feeling in my stomache. went to school, wanted to leave before i even looked at the doors. went to bitch Izreali's class, got sympathy that i appreciated but didn't want. went up stairs to my other horrible class... history. went to lunch to only realize the truth even more, then to my worst class ever where i almost broke the computer because i got so stressed out with the goddamn project and the fact that i just can't do it! my cd player kept skipping and it finally worked after i banged it against the seat 7 times. came home and lied down, then my mom comes in and says "your not gonna get depressed on me now because of this are you?" i'm so tired and annoyed and stressed out and edgy and i just wish people would stop saying "sorry" or "what's wrong?" or "be happy" i wish everyone would just leave me alone.

mommy come home, haha i'll prob feel diff when she gets here

Mon, 24 Oct 2005 22:34:31 GMT

so i have learned that i would litterally go insane if i lived alone, or with steve, but that's basicly the same exact thing. as annoying as they are i miss my kitties, at least they keep me company. it's good to be alone sometimes but i can't handel it for too long.

halloween is so close

Mon, 24 Oct 2005 21:57:45 GMT

so have you ever been in that state of mind where you just flat out don't know what's going on? like you're happy but anytime it can alter and one simple thing can force your mood to change in a matter of seconds. i'm just confused, not about anything in particular, just plain confused. i'm tired and lonely but giddy and so loved and i'm not complaining, things are soo much better but i just have this horrible feeling that there will in the near future be this enormous downfall and everything will be scattered and misplaced and i can't handel any more torturing. i'm scared of losing something that means the most to me and that feeling hurts soo bad. i probably just sound paranoid or worried but i can't help it. a lot of you don't understand and it isn't something that can just be explained. i don't want your opinion if it will just make me sad, i don't want you to bring up things i already know, or remind me about the past, or tell me what i did wrong, i don't want to hear that it'll all be ok or everything will be fine in the end. i'm accually not looking to hear anything, i just want some of you to understand that this means more to me than you will ever imagine, i don't care if you think i'm dumb or whatever you think. it doesn't matter anymore. so there it is. and for those who may be concerned or pretend to be concerned, i'm fine and happy and joyous, and i have a LOT of hope, not much more i can say.

i live too fast, i love too much, and i'll die too young

Mon, 17 Oct 2005 02:19:06 GMT

so, i am happy. i think i'm slowly dieing inside. it hurts. i love too much, i'm not living fast enough, and i probably will die young. it's always concluded the same way. what do you do when someone brings something up so much and every time they do it makes you feel shittier, and you know you probably diserve it, but have no way of fixing it or making it any better? how do you deal with that? no one can advise me on what to do because there is nothing that could be done, it just is...was. it haunts him, so he pushes it on me because i am the one that caused it. how do i explain, how do i prove that this isn't bogus and my mind is made up. how long will it take to get that trust back that means soo much... or will i ever get it back at all?

yuck i feel sick like

Sat, 08 Oct 2005 21:58:31 GMT

i think for the most part i'm a good person, yeah sometimes i can be selfish but i try not to be, and i've gotten soo much better. i usually know better and i don't let emotions control me anymore, i don't take things personal and i try not to think so much. i try to keep myself away from dramatic people (i think there will always be at least one around no matter what) i let things go and i am fair to myself and other people, i will always give you a chance but i'm not going to ruin my life to make yours better. i am confertable with myself but still a little insecure. i try to help as much as i can. i know when to keep quiet but i do slip up sometimes. and i have grown up a lot, i'm pretty different now than i used to be, i just kind of matured fast within a year and i'm glad, i don't regret anything but i really don't like a lot of things that i have done or said but they are behind me now, i just wish i could erase them from other people's memory's. i feel so full and all i want to do is cry, i'm not depressed i just need to let it out and i haven't cried in almost 3 years, i feel incapable and stupid and sometimes emotionless. i don't know, i'm okay i'm just nervous and get a little anxious sometimes. but things will work out for the best because they always do.

damn not being 17

Tue, 04 Oct 2005 17:04:04 GMT

the only ten things i would need to survive

clean water
baking soda, for hygene/cleaning purposes
duct tape
wet naps
tampons
food
some sort of love (even if it was a volly ball named wilson)
a hoodie
a razor
and a supply of alcohal for when i go crazy

yay it's October!

Sun, 02 Oct 2005 16:42:09 GMT

so, last night was fun, we got annoying pictures taken and drove to the dance, it was fun, i had a lot of candy, me and caitlin did our traditional spin about 3 times and i watched my friends dance like retards. Then we drove to mongolian barbeque and amanda and mike fallowed. that was an interesting drive. we ate yummy food and had loads of fun and Chelsea got me a "we do it on a grill" shirt!!! thank youuuuuuuu! we were going to see a movie but none were open that late so we ended up going home. i got home around 1:15 and pretty much died in my bed. my feet hurt so bad, i took clothes and changed into them in the car because i am talented but forgot other shoes lol so i had to wear my dress shoes the whole time... owe. but it was good. i cannot wait till my birthday!

http://www.myspace.com/cheeseforkids
once i figure it out i will post some pics on myspace^^^